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A Year of eMails

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers...
but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites me on the butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.
I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 that was
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my
car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't forward this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because
it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

___________________________________________________

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