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ANSWERING MACHINE AT MENTAL HOSPITAL
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key
until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your
mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are
too busy to talk to you."
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it
up
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