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A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her  baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted  the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly  I noticed
that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.  

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.  

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart." 

I was performing a complete physical, including the  visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet  from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand."  He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again,  a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence.He couldn't even read the large E on the
top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had
asked; he  was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.  

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!"   I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see...  Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now
the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly.  I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly." 

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said" Sorry, had to mow the lawn.


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