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Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself ...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are
you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be
drowned at birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror
in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as
the men swung around and changed partners, they would
slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other
one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody
pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and
another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden
under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and
smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested
in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on
the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't
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