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There's truth in everything?:

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.....

Love is grand; divorce is several hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common ...
They should both be changed regularly -- and for the same reason.

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice -- well it really chilled her mood.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

I'm so depressed... My Doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."

Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay people".

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