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Life Reflections

1. Never raise your hands to your kids.
   It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy
   is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out
   why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of
   alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should
   have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
   gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car
   he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is
   an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started
   walking five miles a day when she was 60.
   She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When
    I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no
    matter how long somebody stands there picking
    the locks, they are always locking three of    
    them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering
    from some form of mental illness. Think of two
    of your best friends. If they are OK, then it
    must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out
    bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt
    with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
    laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their
    walls and they tell you it's because they're
    such beautiful animals. I think my wife is
    beautiful, but I only have photographs of her
    on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at
    my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow
    was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't
    know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
    to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the
    Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library,
    the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton
    Adult Bookstore.

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